I am NOT one tough cookie....

It is common knowledge that life is short, and you never know when it is your time to go.  I believe in the practice of taking nothing for granted and being grateful for what you have.  My husband is considerably older than I am, thirty years older and many would say, "What do I expect marrying an older man?". He is most likely going to be leaving us before I do, so why would I be surprised if he does?  I knew this when I went into this marriage, but I told someone once who asked me "What I expected from getting into a relationship with a much older man?",specifically this one.  I simply said that I will take whatever time I am lucky enough to have with him.  But as we are comfortable with life's daily ongoings and we have a child together who simply adores her father, I forget those words of being happy for whatever time I am lucky enough to have.  Dang it, I want to be selfish and keep him forever for my daughter to know him not have a hard time trying to remember his voice or his hugs of the way he loved all of us.  How would James understand where his Dad went and why he isn't there to teach him to fix things, how to love his momma or pass on his patience?  I think many times how will I survive it when this happens.  How will I keep the farm going, deal with never being able to replace what Don does and how in God's name will I live without my best friend?  I sob as I write this, eyes puffed with tears nearly unable to make out the words I type, sick with the thought it may be sooner than later. 
He has been diagnosed with COPD, in the last few years he has come down with pneumonia and recently the doctor took a follow up x-ray to make sure he was cleared up and then those showed something not right, so they ordered a cat-scan and now this morning they made an appointment to speak to him about the results of the cat-scan.  So of course I am sick with worry, sick to my stomach, that they found something bad. I act as if it is no big deal to him, I tell him that we would rather know if something is wrong than not know.  But I am lying. I am a big fat faker.  I am not strong or tough at all right now. I don't want to show him how terrified I am.  I want him to think that I am strong, that I can deal with anything, including him being sick, including losing him.  I don't want him to worry about how much it would kill us inside. But the truth is how could I deal with it alone?  How could live without him, seeing him in every inch of the farm, in my daughters eyes?  My children deserve more time with him, his grand kids deserve more time with him, he deserves some more time with them.  He also deserves to have some peace, maybe a little time to do what he wants besides work everyday.  So here I am crying a river of doom and gloom, when all I can think is the worst. Trying to get all my crying out before he gets home and allow me to build up some fake,"It will be okay, Honey." show for him when he goes to find out what the cat-scan showed on Monday. Truly I really am an optimist,just not when it comes to something this important. I meant what I vowed, for better or worse, in sickness and health and until death does us apart.  I just hope and pray and beg and want to demand that everything is okay.