CRAVING ADULT INTERACTION

As a stay at home momma of three children, a son with autism, a near teenager who cannot hear the sound of her mother's voice, and a little 15 month old girl baby who is still being fed from my breast and also a full time student(online classes), most of the day I do not engage in much adult conversation.  Yeah, my man might blab about the current events or gripe about something like he is tired or just plain bitch or listen to me finally break down and go on a tangent.  My day is honestly crazy.  Like running up hill.  Dancing two steps forward and three steps back or doing things in slow-motion or similar to trying to run in water.  The man doesn't usually get it.  When they come home from work and we are talking a mile a minute at them it is because we have had only contact with little people who speak another language and think it is amazing that they defecated themselves.  The man may mistake the forward-type conversation as nagging.  Maybe it is a little, but it mostly is a money-grab for adult interaction.  Unfortunately the man usually wants to eat, read, shower and watch television in-between snoring sessions on the couch, and then go to bed, and leave me to continue to do the parenting job basically solo-pilot.  Why do men think that they can come into a house with other people and their offspring and get to relax and do everything they want when they want to do it.  He may be my best friend, but he is still a man, oblivious to the affect they have on the people in their lives.  My son usually gets overstimulated when the house transitions from Momma, son and baby daughter into Momma, Dad, big momma sissy, son and baby sis.  Buttons get pushed, testing of authority begins and usually mayhem erupts and I begin to get pissed and try to calm the boy, save the baby sis and keep the waters as calm as possible.  So tonight once the baby was asleep, and I had begun to accomplish some homework, the son wanted to watch some of his Handy Manny shows, so the man put the DVR recording on for the boy.  Then the man after sleeping for an hour and half, gets up and goes to bed.  SO fricking nice to have had NO adult conversation and he says he's watched all the Handy Manny he can stand.  Men are such selfish creatures.  All day I take care of the kids and try to accomplish my tons of homework, all while trying to keep a house, pay the bills, sell on e-bay and the job is 24/7. 
I think the worst was when after I had our daughter and the labor was days long, no sleeping because of the boys poor sleeping habits, me being uncomfortable with a little person stuck inside of me nine months cooked and having to pee so much because of the Urinary Tract Infection I developed and just plain being in labor for over 20 hours of 5 minutes a part at home before I finally couldn't handle it and went in and had the WORST birthing experience in the hospital.(That's another story) Anyway, the man left and went home.  WHAT?  I was pissed.  In fact I am still mad about it and one day I will tell him about it.  So I was all alone, even the nurses forgot to check on me for nearly 9 hours and I NEVER slept in the hospital for two days.  Exhaustion can make a person literally wish bad things and lose their usually levelheaded and patient minds.  No wonder I developed post-partum depression and of course the man said that was all in my head. 
WHEW!!  I am done for tonight.....

De-cluttering your life

Ever look into the closet and see way too many clothes?  Clothes that are ill fitting, no doubt because they shrunk. Funny, huh?  Books on the bookshelf that you may have read and want to maybe re-read someday, or boxes of stuff in the garage, that should be sold in a yard sale or better yet, donated to the local church or non-profit.  We have too much stuff, cluttering up all nooks and crannies of our lives, being saved for a rainy day, I guess.  It feels SO GOOD to get rid of it, make more room for your family to spread out or even park the vehicle in the garage!
 I have been on a secret mission to de-clutter my life.  It I can't wear it anymore, or it isn't my style, I am going to sell it cheap on E-bay or donate it to the rag bag.  If I haven't read it yet, the church rummage sale will receive it in a donation and free up my packed full book shelf.  I can always use the library if I find time to read for pleasure.The nicknack's are a whole nother story and those dust collectors need to find some other place to collect dust, It is overwhelming to think of all the unnecessary material objects we feel the need to hoard.  Contrary to my mother's belief that you need 134 cool whip containers on hand at any given time, even though at Thanksgiving time for left over containers to go home with everyone, there is really no reason to keep all those cool whip containers on hand.  Then our children accumulate massive amounts of toys, that they spend more time tossing around the house then actually playing with them, so they really don't need but a tenth of what they have in their toy boxes. Maybe if they had less they would actually take care of what they had, you know appreciate it.
 Take a look around and see the collections of clutter you may have accumulated and take a refreshing load off and get rid of some of the clutter in your life.

The third wheel

As a remnant from my bar/restaurant days, I picked up the habit of shooting pool and actually became quite good at it, when I put my mind to it and focus, I can shoot a mean game.  So on Wednesday nights I leave my crazy house and get to go out in public for something other than the grocery store or other mundane necessary errands and actually have a drink, talk to some friends over some loud music and mainly get away from dirty diapers and runny noses if even for a few hours a week.  When you are a stay at home mom you do not get to go to and from your job, it stays with you 24/7.  From breakfast, until lunch  and on through the night, the job never ends and can be quite exhausting.  At times I wish I could go to a actual job and get a break from being non-stop "Momma!" Then I realize I would be missing out on important stuff like all that I missed with my oldest daughter.  I was always working when she was younger and she became so independent and distant from me and now that she will be 13 and a teenager I am not cool and you don't become close to your mom when you are a teenager because moms are always ruining everything!!  lol 
So the whole point of this post was to relay how much someone in my position as a stay at home mom, going to college, with three children, one with autism, when they go out to hang out with the girls, they just don't fit in.  When someone asks "How are things with you?" and you go off on a tirade about how your son bit the baby on the face or screamed for hours or you can't go outside because the wind is blowing, they really didn't want to hear all that.  They would rather you just so "Things are great!" makes it quite hard to feel as if you have anyone to vent to, because they don't understand.  Feeling like you are troubling people with your problems doesn't do well for your piece of mind and makes you just sit and keep to yourself.....
Also to add to my boring-ness, I drink very little because of the fact that it is illegal to drink and drive and also I am still breastfeeding....GASP!  still breastfeeding my baby and she is 15 months and don't think she would appreciate liquor laced milk.  So I don't have any stupid drunken stories or stay out late, which makes me feel like the third wheel..........

SO relieved that it is November 3rd

Finally an end to the ridiculously absurd finger-pointing, name-calling advertisements on my television and in my mailbox.  I learned NOTHING about what they actually would bring to the office and help improve our current economic crisis from all the campaigning the candidates did except for that I do not like political parties and all their excuses for their non-performance in favor of the people whom the current government should actually be worried about since it it their actual job to serve US, not campaign for most of the year.  I voted for all the unknowns that nobody sees plastered all over the television.  Those rich people on the ballot have absolutely no idea what it is like for the majority of us who are struggling because they live in another world.  How do they know what is like to be out of work for over 99 weeks with no chance of ever getting another job that would replace the job you lost, or how it feels to lose your home you worked so hard for to a bank that you bailed out as a taxpayer and still get foreclosed upon anyway.  They don't have to worry if they will have to choose between buying their prescription drugs or getting groceries this month.  Our country needs a change and I don't think that career politicians or rich folk know how to unselfishly serve the people who elected them and bring the change that our government needs to turn things around for the majority of us in America.

53 days until Christmas

OH MY!  When you see that countdown everywhere you look, you know you should start organizing lists and finding some Christmas cards (do people even send those out anymore?) get some shopping done.  But procrastinators like me, for example, think that if they get prepared for the unnerving and overwhelming holidays ahead of time, then what will we worry about at the last minute?  Actually I have started shopping for the kids and Don and I have talked about putting up some Christmas lights.  No, not just the little Charlie Brown Christmas tree I usually plop on a little tiny table and stack the gifts underneath, in my Scrooge like fashion.  This year he wants to put lights on the outside of the house and festive nonsense like that....the kids will love it and Consumers Energy will love the increase in my light bill.  I'm sorry.  I try not to be so Bah Hum Bug, but to me the holidays are TOO commercialized and the only thing that making such a huge deal about Christmas is spending so much money on gifts and decorations and etc etc etc, when the whole point was to celebrate Jesus' birthday and spend time with the family, not buy them off with some expensive and outrageously priced gifts or stuff them with so much food until they feel ill.  I know my oldest child thinks I am SO boring, by not cramming dozens and dozens of the latest crap under the tree that they advertise on television for us to get poorer by purchasing or what the other kids say is cool.  TRYING and the key word would be trying to please your children and make them happy with material stuff is doing way more harm than good to our kids.  The kids just keep wanting more JUNK they don't need and they don't appreciate it.  They end up losing it, breaking it, giving it away, SELLING it......all the while we are paying for it on the credit card statement for the next year or so. 
Many families cannot afford anything for Christmas, because they lost their home, many lost their jobs and most of us Americans are doing our best to live paycheck to paycheck, so when there is this holiday season that comes along and we as parents are expected to provide for our kids extra stuff because it has come to be expected, many parents feel inadequate because they simply CANNOT afford it. 
Families with spoiled kids and the means to continue to do so this holiday season, would be doing the world a service to teach their children that life and enjoying it is NOT about what you have, but who you have in your life and they should have their children GIVE to other families instead of receive this year.  Clean out their closets and toy boxes and buy for families who wouldn't have a Christmas otherwise.  Giving truly feels better than receiving....

Happy Fricken Labor Day

After a day of non-stop screaming, alternating between short periods of zoning out from my son, I finally had a near meltdown myself. And no I did not feel any better after I had my episode of a loss of control. Nothing was pleasing James and nothing would and it is impossible to get away from it. He unintentionally causes such a bad vibe throughout our house affecting everyone. The baby cries, Daddy would rather stay at work all day, big sis locks her bedroom door, even the dog is afraid and momma is taking most of the blunt of the ridiculously long marathon of a meltdown. Then there is no one to talk to about it. As if  you could have a conversation on the phone or in person, because of the SCREAMING. There really is only so much a person can take. Coupled by a year or more of sleep deprivation, financial stress and my trying to actually absorb this information I am required to know in my college work, dealing with this autism stuff is so draining. I am physically drained, my arms and legs are weak, my headaches are numerous, I am tense and irritable, and missing enjoying my family. Never mind the mental fatigue as the crazy depressed feelings make you feel as a failure as a parent. People say that I am so patient. WHAT A CROCK. I do it cause I have to. I have to take care of my children, no matter what. Nobody else is going to do it for me that is for damned sure. It is also amazing how little actual support you are offered and the even less that you receive from supposedly sympathetic family. Never mind friends, our socially inept family has SCARED any of those away. No one offers to babysit for parents of autistic children to give them the much needed breaks they NEVER get. I love my son but I HATE HATE HHAATTEE!!!! autism. I feel guilty when I let it get to me. But the screaming is the ear piercing kind that makes your ears ring and makes you sick to your stomach. It makes it so impossible to be a good mother to the rest of your children when you are exhausted almost to the point that you would like to sleep for at least a week. I can't even get into the shower for 5 minutes to myself, without causing a scene. I like it when you are asked what you want for your birthday or Christmas and you answer a nights sleep, a day to myself or a FRICKING BREAK!! They think you are SSOOO funny. Seriously, I ain't joking.

In the Thistles

During the spring, summer and most of the fall(depending upon the weather) our dry cows and open and bred heifers and springing heifers are out on our hilly pasture to freshen naturally. We have less problems with them and they seem to be happy about it. When the time comes to bring momma in to return to work(milking)it becomes sometimes quite a adventure to find where the little lady or gentleman in hiding. Seems deer-like, just like when a doe hides her fawn while she grazes, a calf is told in the secret cow talk to "stay until I come back to get you" by her momma and the little calf frequently does just that. Many a times another dry cow will "adopt" the calf and watch over it like their own baby even though she have yet to freshen herself. This summer we had a cow #215 out to pasture when another cow had twins. #215 stole both of the twins from their mother and would not let us near them. Then when another cow had a calf she stole that heifer calf, too. So this dry cow had THREE babies on her as a just dry cow and raised them! She finally had her own heifer calf and we decided to take it from her as soon as it was able to stand to make sure it received colostrum. #215 did not have any colostrum as she had been feeding those three stolen calves for a month by then.
SO frequently after we put the newly freshened cows back on the milking line, we have to go hunting for the hidden calves. It usually become a rodeo of sorts, tumbling around on the hills in admist the thistles, trying to get ahold of a scared little calf. The calves usually come out by themselves when their bellies say "I'm Hungry!!!"
We still haven't caught two of those three stolen babies miss #215 had over the summer. They are WILD little brats and are of course weaned by now but are in al sorts of trouble. We'll put catching them on the chore list.....

Back to the college grindstone

Sometimes I wonder to myself, Am I crazy??? Trying to go back to college while taking care of these children. There are some days when I never stop cleaning, changing diapers, breaking up fights, feeding something or someone,laundry, dishes, etc.....This is admist a large amount of unnessasary and random screaming, the kind of ear-piercing noise that makes your ears ring and you wonder how does one little boy make such a noise and not go hoarse? I am also trying to continuing listing on ebay, which is beginning to help pay some bills, during all this hub-bub. It does not leave much if any time to help at the farm, read any books for recreation or spend quality time with another adult.
I love learning! Call me a nerd or bookworm or geek, whatever, I love filling up my brain with knowledge. I also get a gigantic personal buzz off of being on the Deans list or on the President's list. Kinda tells the world,"See, this crazy, overwhelmed mother can do it, so can you!"
13 credit hours, thankfully all online, a full class load as required so that I can receive student loans that helps to pay the bills. Otherwise I would just take a class or two at a time, reducing the amount of self inflicted stress....
Someday my family will benefit from all the late nights I see in my near future...

Stress

Everyone is exposed to some sort of stress in their life. How they deal with it, how much they let it affect them and ways they try to alleviate it differs from person to person.
It seems I like to take on too many things upon my plate, therefore increasing my probability of stress. Three children, one under a year, my almost 4 year old son, supposedly on the spectrum of autism, a 12 year old daughter who can not process the sound of my voice through her ears. Pretty sure she is allergic to my voice.....
In January of 2008, my boss, trying to save a buck or two, put me on a layoff. I was managing the resturant/bar, my boss's job was eliminated from his company and therefore he was going to do my job and save the money he paid me. It was time for me to make a change. In my personal life as well as my career path. My job was DEAD-END, all that was missing was the tell-tale dead-end sign. My now ex-boyfriend was leaving, he just didn't know it at the time. So I pushed him out the door, began to receive unemployment benefits and took a emormous leap of faith and began the most important relationship of my life with my best friend.
I had never been able to stay at home with my first daughter and I had to bring my son with me when I worked my manager job. So this is a whole different world. I felt that I needed to return to college and finish what I had not when I was pregnant with my daughter 12 years ago. I had to do something with my "Time off", so I felt attending college online would fit into my schedule. Plus the student loans help through this tough time. By the summer of 2009 my youngest daughter is born and I am wondering what I was thinking about fitting this college stuff into my overwhelming schedule.
My son is not yet three and showing what we know now as Autism, but we were puzzled at all of his strange behaviors, obsessive tendancies, lack of toliet training, and almost unbearable meltdowns. I was sure that I was going to go crazy and have a meltdown myself.
Added to all these normal mom duties and daily household chores, I was helping my boyfriend at his dairy farm by relief milking, herd health records and bill paying. He had filed for bankrupcty due to his divorce and his debt had been reorganized so that he could pay his bills in the aftermath of the long court battle with his divorce and that added paperwork as he needed to report monthly to the court.
It may seem as if I am complaining a bit...maybe a little,but I am actually truly blessed even with all of my chaos in life. Could do without the greying hair and lack of sleep. I really do appreciate all that I have been given. I have three beautiful children, I am in love and sharing my life with my best friend. It is said that anything in life of any worth doesn't come easy. I believe in that....

A little pearly white tooth....

Breastfeeding your baby is amazingly easy, once you get past the first month. Concieving, being pregnant, birthing children are all enough of a power trip individually, but also providing all of the new little person's nutrition for their first year of life is hard to rival as a very vital responsibility. I am proud to say that I have been successfully nursing my infant daughter for 10 months now. No bottles, no pacifiers, just me au natural. I don't plan on weaning her until she is good and ready and I have no idea as to when that may be. But,now I am afraid of this tiny little tooth that is poking out from my little, sweet Laurel's gums. I think about it everytime she needs to feed. I know it is silly, but more teeth will follow this first one and I am putting a sensitive part into her little mouth, even though now it is a safe mouth. But for how long.....

Sharing of some Old Farmer's Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer..

Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' or someone that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around..

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak ki ndly. Leave the rest to God.
--
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight,
he'll just kill you.

Sleeplessness

My son has a hard time falling asleep or staying asleep where he usually keeps the whole house up or at least hinders our quality of sleep. Being tired or exhausted does not make it easy to tolerate and handle properly his tantrums and obsessive behaviors. I believe that he does not understand what the feeling of being tired is. It confuses him and he becomes easily set off into one of his tantrums or worse yet one of his meltdowns. I wish I could explain it to him or rock him to sleep when he gets into this condition. Of course he fights being held and rocked and he is too strong to make him let you do it anyway. One night of poor sleep is felt for a day or two by his whole family and his bus drivers, teachers and kids in school. He is a grumpy bear to be around when the boy is sleep deprived. Thankfully, it doesn’t happen too often.

PETE, REPETE, PETE, REPETE……….
A little window into my son’s world, he has autism and therefore he repeats nearly everything, what he says and what he does. I mean EVERYTHING. Did you ever have to learn to tune things out? For example when reading in school and there would be background noise……WELL, being around my son it is nearly impossible to tune him out. He makes sure he is heard by turning up his volume or getting in very close proximity to usually your face and trying to get his point across. In the morning, when he wakes up it’s “CHOCK MIK, CHOCK MIK, CHOCK MIK, CHOCK, MIK….” Over and over and over until you get up and get it for him.
Opening and shutting the door, “OPEN, SHUT, OPEN, SHUT…..ETC” for hours.
Pushing any of his push toys back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth….etc.
Leading our dog, Nell, around by her collar for hours and hours, and she follows obediently.
Lining his Matchbox cars and ertl tractors and machinery on the tables and counters, continuously hooking and unhooking them together.
With his limited vocabulary and tendency to just take you to what he wants it is hard to sometimes please him, therefore he becomes frustrated to the point of screaming and then a meltdown. More about meltdowns in the near future.
His repetitive behaviors are very comforting to him, and they are sometimes go unnoticeable to others who don’t understand what autism is. His “stimming” is usually not bothersome to me, but to others in the family it is hard for them to tolerate. I have a hard time dealing correctly with his meltdowns……later on that subject matter.
Patience is indeed one of two most important virtues when being a parent to a special needs child. The other is SHOWING them you love them…..because loving them is a given.

BEFORE I WAS A MOTHER....

I the spirit of Mother's Day, another horribly over retailed holiday, I decided to do something for myself as an overworked mother. I have been wanting to get some therapy for the stressors in my life. I cannot afford the retail therapy, don't have time for massage therapy, worried that they would commit me if I went in for pysch-analysis. So I hope that this blog will touch others around the world who deal with the same things as I do. For me this blog will be my public journal, a therapy of sorts to help preserve my sanity. Hopefully to those of you that read this regularly, it will make you smile, cry or even laugh out loud.

Before I was a mother...........
I was selfish,
I had free time,
I used the bathroom ALONE,
I walked out the door with only my purse,
I didn't know what I was missing.

Now that I am a mother.........
I have become unselfish,
I now have very little free time, if any,
When I need to use the facilities, I have little people watching,
When I leave to run errands, I need more than two hands,
my heart is now complete and full of a love I never understood until now........
now that I am a mother.