Happy Fricken Labor Day

After a day of non-stop screaming, alternating between short periods of zoning out from my son, I finally had a near meltdown myself. And no I did not feel any better after I had my episode of a loss of control. Nothing was pleasing James and nothing would and it is impossible to get away from it. He unintentionally causes such a bad vibe throughout our house affecting everyone. The baby cries, Daddy would rather stay at work all day, big sis locks her bedroom door, even the dog is afraid and momma is taking most of the blunt of the ridiculously long marathon of a meltdown. Then there is no one to talk to about it. As if  you could have a conversation on the phone or in person, because of the SCREAMING. There really is only so much a person can take. Coupled by a year or more of sleep deprivation, financial stress and my trying to actually absorb this information I am required to know in my college work, dealing with this autism stuff is so draining. I am physically drained, my arms and legs are weak, my headaches are numerous, I am tense and irritable, and missing enjoying my family. Never mind the mental fatigue as the crazy depressed feelings make you feel as a failure as a parent. People say that I am so patient. WHAT A CROCK. I do it cause I have to. I have to take care of my children, no matter what. Nobody else is going to do it for me that is for damned sure. It is also amazing how little actual support you are offered and the even less that you receive from supposedly sympathetic family. Never mind friends, our socially inept family has SCARED any of those away. No one offers to babysit for parents of autistic children to give them the much needed breaks they NEVER get. I love my son but I HATE HATE HHAATTEE!!!! autism. I feel guilty when I let it get to me. But the screaming is the ear piercing kind that makes your ears ring and makes you sick to your stomach. It makes it so impossible to be a good mother to the rest of your children when you are exhausted almost to the point that you would like to sleep for at least a week. I can't even get into the shower for 5 minutes to myself, without causing a scene. I like it when you are asked what you want for your birthday or Christmas and you answer a nights sleep, a day to myself or a FRICKING BREAK!! They think you are SSOOO funny. Seriously, I ain't joking.